finding holes to breathe through
by through tempests
Summary: You feel like a small Earthquake. / Rose, picking the pieces back up.


**notes**: um. i don't know what this is. slight scorpius/rose, fyi. for the 25 days of Christmas competition in HPFC; the prompt i choose for this one was green. i used it quite subtly, i'm afraid, but it's still there. i'm not entirely content with the ending but oh well. the lack of capitalization inside the italicized parenthesis is on purpose.  
**warnings**: obscure mentions of suicide & depression as well as panic attacks. please don't read this if any of those trigger you.  
**disclaimer**: disclaimed.

* * *

**finding holes to breathe through  
**i was sinking, and now i'm sunk. —_swimming_, florence and the machine.

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These days you can't tell what the darkest thing is, all you know is that they frighten you.

/

You make the nurses leave the lights on even though it's supposed to be lights-out. They listen, but only because of the note from your therapist. You try not to notice the looks of pity as they close the door.

Sleeping with the lights on, you pull your knees to your chest and push yourself in a corner after feeling like your heart has jumped out of your chest. When you wake up, your head hurts and your neck aches.

(You might have been the daughter of two war heroes, but your heart never did lay in Gryffindor territory. You knew that before the sorting even happened.)

/

Scorpius visits you, sometimes, although he didn't for the first three months. You can't blame him, really, because hospitals aren't your favorite place either but somehow this one has become the closest thing you have to a home. In the back of your mind, you know that should be worrisome but you push it away. Now is not the time.

Albus says he drinks more than usual since you've been locked away in here.

You wish you could join him, but not for the company.

/

Green never was your color and you were never one for school spirit, but Scorpius brings some Slytherin-themed clothing for you four months in your stay. This is the second time he's visited you.

The first didn't go so well. (_silence and screaming and crying and feeling like a building collapsed on top of you, wishing that a building collapsed on top of you, crushing your rib cage LET ME BE PLEASE—_ )

"It's to help you remember where you're from and shit," he said, a nervous laugh escaping his hunched over body. He's seven feet tall but looks like a child in a chair that's too short for him and the bags underneath his eyes intrigue you. You wonder what makes him toss and turn and stay up all night. You hope it isn't because of you but you don't bring the topic up.

You take the clothes, but, let's be honest here, you want to burn them. Lighters aren't allowed here, though, so you settle for pretending that they don't exist. You settle on that a lot of times, now that you think about it.

_/_

_(the lights turning on your mother screaming your father apparating all three of you to Mungos a mess of red swirling around you and suddenly—)_

/

Scorpius visits once a week and so does Al. Sometimes they visit together. Sometimes Albus brings another member of your family with him but you prefer it when he doesn't. Not everyone is exactly on the same page about what's been happening to you these days. Not everyone is as understanding.

Hugo visits once, twice a week. Sometimes three. You like his visits the best because he doesn't ask how you're doing. He acts like before and you appreciate that more than you could ever tell him.

Mum and dad visit you the most, sometimes managing to come everyday in a week. Those ones have the most silence. Those ones are the ones that have the most unsaid, which is silly, really, because they are two Gryffindor's and you're a brash Slytherin and you should have everything to talk about, to argue about but times have changed.

/

Sometimes you miss Hogwarts. But then you remember everything that comes with it; the fear of not getting good grades, your anxiety about being around your peers, your lack of friends in general, feeling like your being pushed underwater—

Sometimes you miss Hogwarts. Most of the time you just miss the learning.

/

Days leading up to the decision and you give James your favorite record, Al your first edition of_ Magical Beasts and Where to Find Them,_ Lucy a bracelet. They were surprised, but didn't know what to think of it. It was Christmas season, after all. You were being generous and all that.

(_everything's fine i'm fine don't worry about it don't worry about me please everybody it's okay SOMEBODY NOTICE MY LIES i'm fine__—)_

/

"You're going home, rose." Your therapist tells you this as you sit curled up in the chair across from her and suddenly you hear your heartbeat in your chest and your thoughts are in a snarl that you don't think you can ever untangle. "We think you're ready."

(_i'm not don't make me you're all a bunch of idiot pricks who don't know anything LEAVE ME ALONE LET ME STAY—)_

"Okay," you managed, your voice cracking and your legs shaking. You feel like a small Earthquake.

/

Mum, Dad and Hugo pick you up. Scorpius is at the house, they explain, waiting, but they convinced the others to stay away. You're grateful. It's overwhelming enough to see strangers on the street much less be welcomed and bombarded with your single most least favorite question _how are you? _by people who don't understand why you did what you did.

You and Scorpius go up to your room. You've forgotten what the exact shade green of your room was and how many cardigans you own. Remembering when you made your Mum change the color of your room the first summer you came home after your first year, you smile when you see the picture of you and Hugo as children that's placed on top of your dresser.

The two of you intertwine fingers and whisper words long forgotten and laugh quietly and, for now, everything feels okay.

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_please don't favorite or alert without reviewing, please! even a simple "loved it!" will make my day!_


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